It can be normal to feel touched out when you’re feeding babies, toddlers or older children. Some people refer to Nursing Aversion, or Breastfeeding Aversion and Agitation. However, there are some things you can do to help. I’ve been feeding or pregnant for over 8 years now. I will let you know some of the tips I have used to overcome the “touched out” feeling I have had.
Breastfeeding past age two
I have four children aged 7, 5 and 2 year old twins. My eldest fed till he was 4.5, middle till 3 and pregnancy aversion made me ask her to stop, the twins have only just reached the World Health Organisations recommendation of 2 years, and we’re now in the beyond.
Breast milk can provide 100% of nutritional needs for the first 6 months, 2/3 for the next 6 months and 1/3 beyond. Although appetites for foods will differ, giving less breast milk will not necessarily encourage more foods. Our babies and children have innate wisdom, and breastfeeding provides far more than nutrition. Some reasons babies and children feed regularly may be allergies, growth spurts, development leaps, illness, separation anxiety, separation awareness, reconnection, teething, comfort, thirst and hunger.
Nursing toddler’s need to learn it’s a mutual agreement to breastfeed. This is an early opportunity to discuss consent. It’s ok to set boundaries, to have a 10 second feed, to say not now, to have autonomy of your own body.
Some tips to handle feelings and aversions
Find some time to think about is there a pattern to your touched out feeling? Is it around your menstrual period? Is it when you’re tired? Are you thirsty? How can you better parent yourself?
1. Setting boundaries
Toddlers and children like to push to know the edges of their boundary, they like to feel that you know what you are doing and they are safe. That even in their displeasure and most dishevelled angry states, you aren’t phased, their feelings are valid, their outburst acknowledged, but they cannot break you. Remaining calm through their big emotions is sometimes easy, and sometimes very hard! If a toddler thinks they can break you, then that power can unnerve them and make them feel even more unstable. This boundary formation falls under consent, your body is your body and if another person who is not your child came and shoved their hand with their raggedy nails down your top and grabbed handfuls of flesh to expose your nipple, then you would have serious words with them or report them to the police! A child even of 2 needs to learn that there are ways to ask for milk and it has to be agreeable for both people.
2. Distraction
This is distraction for you, and or, distraction for them. If the touched out feeling is getting to you, and you know that feeding the baby will make life easier, then how can you distract yourself? We do not need to spend every feed gazing lovingly into babies eyes. TV binge series, a drink, a good book and of course a scroll on your phone. Hands up! Yes I have received online shopping I forgot I’d ordered during feeds!
Distraction for them, do they need milk, or would food or water suffice. Can you offer them milk after X? or perhaps just head out for a walk? Try to be genuine in their distraction. Imagine if your boss was distracting you when you were asking where your paycheck was.
3. Having self-care time
Self-care is engaging in activities that fill your cup, ones that help you switch off from your thoughts and truly relax. Self-care doesn’t have to cost, or even be away from the kids. One of my self-care activities is to drink a cup of loose leaf herbal tea in the garden early in a morning, watching the ripples of the tea, listening to the bird song, feeling the cold of the Earth on my feet and the dampness of the air on my skin. I really savour those early morning brew’s and my older children love them too.
4. Getting out of the house
This is one of my most used tricks. Get out and keep moving. The 2 year olds are with me 24/7. I rarely get a break from them, and right now they are in a feeding phase my husband referred to as “relentless”. We are setting boundaries, we are distracting, and I have picked up on my own reasons – prompting this blog! The best method for stopping my touched out feeling, is to get out of the house, and preferably go for a walk. I back carry one and one in the pram I can avoid feeding for 2 hours or more. The car journey often allows for sleep. But so does the motion of being carried or pushed. I happily carry one front, one back, but front baby can have access to milk. This is fine, so long as they have a shortish feed and drift off to sleep. Otherwise we use distraction in walking, in throwing sticks and developing a love of nature, one of my twins vocabulary is coming along beautifully with “tree, stick and dog”, peering inquisitively at ivy asking “what it?”.
Sit down, and it’s game over!
5. Spend time with friends
This seems tiny, but it is so easy to forget to make those plans, to see those friends. Get out with or without your kids and see your friends. Go somewhere like a child-friendly play cafe where the children can be distracted and you can chat, or colour and be creative together and enjoy the art you all produce.
6. Getting the right vitamins and minerals
Ensure your vitamin D intake is good. Vitamin D is often thought to be only needed in prevention of rickets and bone pain, but actually more and more research is showing that people have better health outcomes when their levels are higher. Studies have been focused on getting the right dose for a mother to take to enrich her milk and avoid supplementation of the infant 6400IU daily.
But if your health is better, and your immunity increased, then it stands to reason that you could feel a little less touched out when feeding.
See if a magnesium supplement will help, the benefits we get from topping up our magnesium are plentiful, like vitamin D many people are deficient due to modern living and farming techniques. Anecdotally it is effective, and due to the nature of action in the body it is a reasonable hypothesis that it will benefit nursing women. You could even try transdermal absorption of magnesium with a relaxing Epsom salt bath or foot soak! We like using Better You sleep cream which is blended with lavender and magnesium to help aid sleep. Not an affiliate link.
If you’re still struggling, ask your GP to check your hormone levels LH, FSH, prolactin, oestrogen, and progesterone. As well as iron levels and Vitamin D levels.
It is a normal part of the breastfeeding journey…
So, in conclusion, feeling touched out can be normal, and there are a few things you can do to help the feeling pass. Our children are only babies for a short while, and if you can return to enjoying breastfeeding it will become something you can remember fondly, something that protects their health, and something that benefits your health.
Parent Sanctuary provide guided nature and park walks which are good for your mental and physical health, they provide a distraction, socialisation and education to your baby or toddler, and can act as one of your selfcare activities.
If your “touched out” feeling is creating severe discomfort for you physically or emotionally then please look up BBA and seek help from a qualified lactation consultant. My local go to would be the infant feeding team with Locala.
Further reading
Night time weaning help. https://www.waterstones.com/book/nursies-when-the-sun-shines/katherine-c-havener/sara-burrier/9780615756424
Weaning gently. https://kellymom.com/ages/weaning/wean-how/weaning-techniques/#:~:text=Don’t%20offer%2C%20don’,as%20their%20child%20gets%20older.
Nursing aversion. https://kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/breastfeeding-nursing-aversion-agitation-baa/
Breastfeeding Aversion and Agitation. https://www.breastfeedingaversion.com/copy-of-what-can-help-1